


Don't Look Back

by Varmint



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Angst, Broken Promises, Canon-Typical Violence, Flashbacks, Friendship, Hate to Love, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, POV Inuzuka Kiba, Secret Relationship, Self Confidence Issues, Tragic Romance, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-16
Updated: 2016-12-29
Packaged: 2018-07-24 07:01:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 15,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7498686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Varmint/pseuds/Varmint
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because not every tale is a fairy tale. Because not every story has a happy ending. Because not every person that falls in love deserves their significant other. Because not every significant other can take the separation. And because not every love story ends with a happy couple... Sometimes, everything falls apart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Once upon a time... No. That can't be right.

That's a girly way to begin a story, ain't it? It's also too fairy tale-like... This story isn't a fairy tale. Hell... It's more a tragedy than anything.

But I still like using the word. Once. It's so versatile. And so sad, too. It's perfect for a sad story like this... I'm getting ahead of myself, ain't I? There's no point in telling you about how sad my life is if I didn't even tell you about how it was before _he_ came around and dest- getting ahead of myself again.

Why don't I start at the beginning, yeah? Way back when I still had no idea of how much I would hurt because of _him_ and thought I actually had a future ahead of me?

Yeah? Yeah.

Once I had been twelve years old. A snarky scrap of a mutt that enjoyed running my mouth more than keeping it shut and always managed to get myself in all kinds of trouble. My best bud in the world, Akamaru, was barely big enough to be called a dog, yet I never went anywhere without him and carried him around in my over sized jacket wherever I decided to go.

Man, that jacket had been ugly. But I loved it. And it had been perfect to accommodate my puppy traveling needs... I wouldn't mind wearing it again, actually. The hood's something I've missed for a while. Maybe I should find a way to add a hood to my jacket... Eh. Thoughts for later. Now I'm reminiscing about being twelve.

Back in my academy days, I had not payed too much attention to most of my classmates. Naruto, Shikamaru, and Chouji had been the only ones I truly thought about as something close to friends, but, back then, that had only been out of the camaraderie that came from pissing off your teachers whenever you deemed classes too boring to even try to sleep through.

We hadn't been much friends back then. We were more like prank buddies if anything.

But even with the lack of attention I paid to my other classmates, I still knew enough about them to know who was a good sparring buddy and who didn't stand a chance facing off against me.

Heh, thinking about that now, I notice I was a mean little shit. I used to think that _Naruto_ wasn't worth the time of day. Hasn't life proved me wrong?

Shikamaru, Shino, and Sasuke had all been the only students I had decided were worth the thought. Shikamaru was a lazy ass, but he was still smart enough to pass through the grades without ever getting held back and proved to be extremely adept with some of the weapons we'd use in training. Shino was worth thinking about because he received some of the best marks in the grade and did everything right. Sasuke, of course, was the Uchiha heir. Everything he did was _perfect_.

None of the girls in the class would have been good sparring buddies back then because they were much too busy fawning over _Sasuke_ to ever want to train with a mutt like me.

You know, now that I'm thinking back on my genin years, I notice that my life's been going to hell for far longer than I thought.

The series of unfortunate events that was my life had been kicked off as soon as I tied my hitaite around my forehead as the self-proclaimed next Hokage. I had been quite the little fool back then too. Maybe Shino had been right in calling me an idiot every time he could all those years ago.

Before I had graduated, my life had been simple. No missions, barely any responsibilities, and unlimited fun. Yeah... Those years had been the best. My childhood was well spent. At least I can say that.

Believing to know about the three students that were my competition, I spent my time training to defeat them all. And I honestly thought I had a chance back then... Back before everything went to shit.

I still remember the day that started it all off perfectly. It had been after we had been about two months after we had been assigned our squad's Jonins and the group of graduated genin had somehow wound up lounging together by Ichiraku's. Naruto had been a loud mouth, Shikamaru had slept, Chouji had eaten off of his sleeping best friend's plate... Everything had been going on pretty well.

So how had that calm afternoon kick-started all of the horrible things in my life?

It was quite simple really.

That was the afternoon that Sasuke first spoke to me.

I know that this really shouldn't be all that surprising. And I know it should be seen as nothing out of the ordinary for the almighty Uchiha to have talked to me then because he wasn't too much of a douche bag at that point. Besides, I might be exaggerating a bit. He _had_ spoken to me before. But this was the first time that Sasuke spoke to me of his own accord without the conversation being mission related or forced by anyone around him.

And he had not been a complete jerk to me. Man, I sound like some paranoid shit, don't I? But I remember just how much of a prick Sasuke used to be and how he was always trying to be the best out of all us rookies. And it came as a complete surprise to me to have him actually _speaking_ to me.

The contents of the conversation had been lost to time by now. I barely remembered just what excuse he had used to talk to me as he ignored Sakura and Ino trying to talk to him. Heck, all I really recall about it is a faint memory of maybe telling Sasuke I wanted to fight him to beat him to prove I could the next Hokage- thoughts of an idiot, I know. After that, I clearly remember Naruto speaking up about _him_ being the next Hokage.

Then... How could I forget? Then I remembered the way Sasuke had smiled softly when I growled at Naruto for being an idiot... _And_ the way I had blushed.

Yup. Kiba Inuzuka blushed like an idiot when Sasuke Uchiha spared a smile. It's really embarrassing now that I think about it.

And that's when it had all started. One simple conversation. One earnest smile. One stupid Inuzuka.

Damn, I had been stupid in believing anything good would come out of a relationship... But I had been twelve.

Once I had been twelve years old, blinded by love, and wide eyed and innocent enough to believe something good would have come out of my life.

Haven't I been proven wrong...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story shall be updated monthly starting from today. The chapter's are long and complex, and I would like to give myself some time to write them up. I also have other stories that are at the top of my update list, like Bound to the Enemy, and this one is more of a side project rather than a full time one. But I will still update! It'll just take more time to do so.

I don't really like the silence. Being from the Inuzuka Clan I barely got any peace and quiet as it was... And I guess being able to think every now and then wasn't so bad, but... Well... I guess my only real problem with the silence is how easy it is to hear my own thoughts.

Maybe that's why I'm always screaming and whooping and yelling about anything that comes to mind. 'Cause I don't want to hear the thoughts inside my head, so I instead raise the volume on my own speech and try to drown out those thoughts with nonsensical shouts.

Heh. Look at me. Kiba Inuzuka, PhD.

No, but seriously. I despise the silence when I'm alone. Furthermore when I'm around someone. The only person that knew this little fact about me was- oddly enough- Ibiki Morino.

Yeah, that guy. Weird, ain't it? Big, scary, head of Torture and Intelligence, Ibiki Morino knew about my fear of silence.

It had been an odd day, if I may tell the truth. And my admittance had only come because I had been foolish enough to drink myself into a stupor and need to be taken care of afterwards... That had been about five months ago, actually, now that I think about it. Back when the guilt of everything I had done and still did was consuming me.

I still remember that pretty clearly, you know. I was one of the few lucky people I knew of that could drink however damn much they pleased and didn't black out. Mom and Hana were like that too. Apparently it was a gift of the Inuzuka. I didn't understand it, but I didn't question it either. I just took comfort in knowing that, no matter how much I drank, I would always know what happened.

Of course, it was a double edged sword if ever I heard of one. Especially when I had drank so much that I was feeling over emotional, had no control of my mouth, barely had any control of my body, and decided that taking a small crying break inside of an alley was a good idea. I _wish_ I could forget some of the thing I had said to him. He must have thought I was the worst ninja in the world once I got to talking.

I don't know why, but I felt extremely emotional that day. There had been a lot of things piling up on my shoulders and, for some reason, on _that_ precise day, I had snapped. The floodgates of the Great Kiba Dam had been opened and I had not been able to close it at all.

Maybe all that whiskey hadn't been a good idea...

But I had been at one of the lowest points my life had ever gotten to by then. Sasuke was gone, still gone, and would always be gone because he'd never return. Akamaru had stayed back at the house because my rampant emotions were beginning to get to him- he had even lashed out at me at one point. Shino and Hinata had both been away on missions, so I hadn't been able to use either of them as distractions. Mom and Hana were too close to home to ever tell them anything. And the rest of the Rookie 9 were off doing their own thing.

Truth be told, I'm not completely sure when I began to feel lonely. And by lonely, I don't mean as in 'I'm alone and want someone with me'. No, I mean that type of lonely that suffocates you in your own self-doubts because there was no around you because nobody liked you enough to be around you. By lonely, I mean the dangerous and heart breaking kind that makes you think of yourself as a disappointing piece of shit.

I felt alone most of the time now. But it hadn't been like that... At some point... I'm sure that I hadn't felt this way back when I was twelve.

Maybe it had all started after Sasuke left the village... Maybe when he had given me that one last look that spoke of nothing but lack of emotion and determination to get stronger...

... Sorry, went off track again. I was talking about when I first started feeling this way to be able to explain just _why_ I had talked so easily to Ibiki... Well, the fact of the matter is that it wasn't a sudden change in me. I didn't just wake up one day feeling hopeless. It was a type of slow burn that built up until one night I wasn't able to sleep because I was crying too much over the fact that my own loneliness was choking me and no one was there to stop me from finding out how truly despicable I was.

Thinking back on what happened, I believe that it was this deep-rooted and irrational feeling of being overwhelmingly alone that made me seek comfort in Ibiki.

And I remember everything I said and thought perfectly.

_~/~/~/~/~_

_Five Months ago:_

I was plastered. Shit faced. It was a true miracle that I had yet to call any attention to myself.

The bottle of whiskey in my hands was about halfway gone. A bit of it had been gone before I had gotten my hands on it because this was my mom's favorite brand. Still, most of it had ended up inside of me... Some of it, though, had unfortunately sloshed to the ground below me.

Ground... Ground means place... Place means where I am... Where the fuck was I?

Looking up around me, I noticed that there wasn't sunlight anymore. The moon had taken its place up in the sky and glowed faintly all around. The night sky was filled with stars... They were so beautiful. The stars, I mean. Up there in the night sky, without barely a worry in the world. How nice must it be to be a star. Only coming out during the night to grace a lowly civilizations' sights, then disappear when the sun came up. That'd be a nice existence.

It's cold out here. Where the fuck did I leave my jacket?

My right hand held the bottle of alcohol tightly, but my left was free to rub at my cold, right upper arm as I noticed just how chilly the night had gotten. I guess I really shouldn't have been surprised, winter was on its way. I guess I just had left my house in such a rush that I had forgotten to grab my jacket.

I hadn't wanted to stay there anymore. Not with Akamaru being so affected by my mood and with my mother and sister insisting that I had no reason to feel so down. None of them truly understood me... And I insisted Akamaru shouldn't be with me because I didn't want him to feel so down. I didn't want to cause him any trouble. I didn't want to cause _anyone_ any distress.

Even though I had left my jacket back there, I had managed to snag one of my mom's good bottles without her noticing. And she would be so busy tending to clan issues to notice its disappearance until at least tomorrow morning.

"Fuck..." I heard myself mutter, and I was pulled away from my head to focus on my surroundings once more. "What time is it?"

My words were slurred, but just barely. I liked to think of myself as a smart drunk most times. The truth was that alcohol tended to bring your true self out and my true self was calm and sad. Which is one of the reasons I never accepted to go out to drink with my friends whenever they managed to get their hands on the contraband. I didn't want them to find out what kind of drunk I was out of fear of them seeing me differently.

Now that I had been brought out of my mind, I noticed that I had my back pressed against a wall. Which was convenient because my legs weren't communicating too well with my brain at the moment.

All around me I heard soft sounds of people returning to their homes after a hard day's work. One kid was crying about his mom not letting him adopt a street dog and I couldn't help but smile bitterly. I missed that age. Footsteps, the steady jingle of keys, some rustling of plastic bags... All sounds of a village preparing itself to fall asleep to begin the day anew once the sun came back once more.

Everything was such clockwork. A routine. Is that what life was? Wake up, accomplish your duties, return home, sleep, repeat? It was such a dull life... And I was one of the poor suckers trapped inside that complacent cycle.

Taking in a deep breath, I leaned my head back against the wall behind me and closed my eyes.

I was a ninja. A Shinobi of the Hidden Leaf. I shouldn't have such dark thoughts, not when I was one of the lucky few in my position.

But if I was lucky, why did I always drag my feet when no one was looking? Why did I lower my eyes to the floor in moments of pure insecurity whenever I noticed I the failure I was? Why-

Sniffing up at the air, I caught a new scent. One I barely came across in the village. One I knew because of the first Chunin exam I took all those years ago.

I turned my head to the opening of the alley then and saw a large imposing figure heading my way. The man wore a dark trench coat, his hands were stuffed inside its pockets, and his head was covered by an equally dark bandanna. And he was still as stone faced as he had been back when he had been the proctor of the first phase of my Chunin exam.

"Inuzuka." His voice was deep, calm, and crashed through the thoughts in my head like lightning.

It was a much welcomed interruption to all the pain roaring inside of me.

"Mr. Morino." I managed to answer, raising my eyes to look him in his eyes. "What... What are you doing here?" I asked softly, all the while he only kept coming closer to me.

Soon enough the man that stood a almost a foot taller than me was right in front of me, dark eyes looking down at me with no emotions to be read. I couldn't be surprised by that, actually. His line of work meant no weakness. Emotions showed weakness.

 _I_ showed weakness.

"Aren't you a bit young to be drinking?"

I pouted slightly at my question being deflected with another, but I only shrugged. "If I can die for my village, I can drink."

I didn't truly think this. I wasn't a big believer in teenagers drinking alcohol simply because most of us were idiots. But why could I not be a hypocrite if I was already a liar? One wasn't too far from the other on the scale of despicable.

Ibiki raised an eyebrow at this, then glanced at my hand. "That's some good stuff, kid." He pointed out, then moved swiftly to grab the bottle from me and took it away.

"Hey!" I yelped in surprise, but he didn't seem the least bit interested in my trying to resist.

"Why are you crying?"

"Huh?" I mumbled out, looking on in dismay as he pocketed the bottle of whiskey inside his trench coat.

"Crying. You've been crying. And for a while now." He explained himself, left hand pointing at my at face and I dumbly raised my own hand to my face to feel the tears that were still falling.

I opened my mouth to speak, but promptly closed it. What could I say? Then I opened it once more and out stumbled, "I didn't know..." in a whisper.

Had I been so affected by everything going on around me?

The broad man looked me over once more before shaking his head softly, "You're a mess, kid." Then he shrugged off his trench coat and stepped forward, throwing it over my shoulders. "Come on, let's get you home."

My feet moved of their own accord. I could barely register what was going on, if I ccould be honest. Ibiki Morino was being kind. He was being considerate. He had taken the bottle away as soon as he found out I had drank too much... What the hell?

Moving wasn't an easy feat when the communication between your body and your brain was rather impaired. I stumbled more than actually walked. But Ibiki didn't comment on that at all. He just kept walking with me at his side, holding on to my right arm to steady me whenever I managed to falter so much I was under threat of falling to the floor.

It was a few minutes after he had begun walking me home that the damning thoughts started up once more. We had both fallen into silence and the further we walked, the more suffocated I began to feel. I didn't have the burn of alcohol coursing down my throat to distract me anymore. And now I could feel my eyes begin to burn as tears welled up in them.

"M-Mr. Morino?" I breathed out, raising my left hand to clutch at my shirt.

My chest felt so tight. Tears were threatening to spill once more. It was all my fault for being so weak. If I wasn't such a coward, if I wasn't so stupid, if I wasn't so pitiful-

"Don't let the silence get me."

My whisper was soft, broken, _pitiful_.

I didn't know why I was doing this. On a normal day, I could deal with the silence and my thoughts.

But today wasn't a normal day, was it? It was all kinds of wrong and I was under all kinds of pain and I didn't want to be in pain anymore. And if Ibiki allowed us to fall further into silence, then all of my horrible thoughts would catch up to me, engulf me, consume me.

"What?" He asked as he stopped walking and turned to me.

I didn't dare look at him in the eyes, though. For some reason, I felt like speaking. I felt like bearing my soul out to this man that I had only seen a handful of times before. I wanted to tell him everything that hurt me and beg him to just _speak_ so I didn't have a reason to listen to myself. I just wanted someone to understand me and not expect me to be smiling all the time.

"I don't like the quiet." I heard tumble out of my mouth before I could fully stop myself and truly think about what I was about to do. "I don't like being trapped in silence, Mr. Morino. It's so suffocating. And... And... And..." My mouth opened and closed then, trying to think of just what I was going to say next. "If there's no noise to drown out my thoughts, then they get to me... And they hurt so much."

"Kid-" He seemed like he wanted to tell me something, but I shook my head and looked up at him.

"Do you know how bad it is to think the way I do, Mr. Morino? My thoughts... They don't scream or yell at me. They're worse! Every single negative idea, every single insult towards me, every put down... They're not yelled out so they drown any rational voice. No, they sound just like any other thing I would think. These _monsters_ don't yell at me... They speak calmly and hushed... They are just like any other thought... And I don't like not being surrounded by noise because they always sneak up on me and make me feel like a worthless piece of crap!" I shouted out, tears flowing freely once more down my cheeks. "So please-" I begged, clutching at my chest tightly with both hands. " _Please_ , don't keep me in the silence."

His dark eyes bore down into mine and I flinched away from the stern frown on his face.

What was I thinking, begging this of Ibiki Morino? This guy was even quieter than Shino!

Slowly feeling the sharp sting of humiliation and disappointment beginning to rise in me, I lowered my head and sniffled. My hands were shaking. I hadn't noticed that as I shouted.

I should have known better. Why was I such a stupid little fool? I was always thinking that things would work out for me, but I should know by now that no one would ever care about me. There was no reason to hope in good things.

Fully disposed to give myself over to these thoughts, I was shocked to hear Ibiki clear his throat. "Kid... you're drunk." He spoke softly, without any hint of disgust or anger. "Why don't you come back to my apartment? You're clearly in no state to return to a house with Tsume."

The shock that ran through me left me speechless. When I looked up at him, blinking because of all the shock I was under, I found him looking down at me with a softness in his eyes I would never have expected to find. So dumbly I nodded and allowed him to lead me in the direction of his apartment, barely registering the fact that I would not have to face my mother while drunk tonight.

Surely, he was just trying to be nice to a drunk idiot like me. He was only trying to help me out because he knew I was too shit faced to do anything right, all the while being extremely vulnerable as well. He was only offering his apartment as a haven because of duty to another Shinobi. There was no way he actually cared about anything I had said. He's most probably just helping me this once to amuse him-

"So you're terrified of your mom too, huh?" His voice broke through my darkened thoughts once more and I looked up at him in surprise.

Was he... Was he trying to strike up a conversation?

As perplexed as I was, I managed to nod up at him. This received a soft chuckle from him and he shook his head once more, "More than half the village is terrified of that one. Guess being a female in male run politics can do that." After a small beat of silence, he then asked, "Just where did you get this whiskey from, kid?"

Ibiki had... Actually cared about what I had said? And he'd actually decided to indulge my moment of weakness by not allowing me to fall into the quiet once more? The thought made no sense, if you asked me... But there was a small spark of hope in me that wished that he really had taken me seriously. So I stumbled around to answer him and keep the conversation going, to keep the silence away.

"Took it from mom's cabinet." I answered, which received a small smile from him.

"You are not going to survive when you return to your house, kid. An angered Tsume Inuzuka is a force of nature."

"I know... Which is why I'm not returning home until I'm sure Hana's there too." I answered back, and the fact that I managed to make him smile made me smile as well.

"So your sister's a bit of a buffer, then?" He asked, keeping the conversation going.

I couldn't have been happier as I began to chatter about my big sister and our sibling bond.

_~/~/~/~/~_

_Present:_

Yeah... I had been a little idiot...

When I had woken up in Ibiki's guest room with a hangover the size of Naruto's ego, I had completely expected for the head of T&I to kick me out with harsh remarks about me being an undeserving chunin.

Imagine my surprise when I walked out to the apartment's kitchen to find him making breakfast for both of us.

When he had seen I was awake, Ibiki had smiled softly at me, asked if I was bothered my music, and then waited for my answer. Can you believe that? He _actually waited for an answer_.

I had blinked like an idiot for a few seconds before coming back to reality and nodding numbly at him.

After that, he had turned on an old looking radio he had at the side of the counter and soft music drifted through it's speakers.

Like an idiot, I had stared at the jonin. But he had not seemed to mind my shock too much. He had only asked me to sit down and wait patiently as he finished cooking up the breakfast he was making.

And after an awkward- at least on my side- breakfast, he had offered to walk me home.

Walk me home! Can you believe that? Not even Sasuke had done that! Not in the time he was still in the village, and certainly not after.

If I had been thinking straight, I would have told him that I didn't really need him to walk me back. But I was still acting like an idiot at that point and had agreed to him going with me.

As we had walked back, I had noticed that it couldn't have been later than five in the morning. The sun was nowhere to be seen yet, there were no shinobi in sight, and the only people to be seen were the early risers.

I knew that I was never a good sleeper on one of my drunken trysts. Alcohol and me usually ended up with me awake and regretting all the decisions in my life. There was barely any time to sleep when your thoughts were trying to destroy you, after all. But I was surprised that Ibiki had not seemed too bothered by waking up so early.

I had come to learn later on that he was accustomed to waking up even earlier on normal days. But he had decided to wait for me and make me breakfast as he did so.

When we had arrived at the entrance of the Inuzuka compound, I had been prepared to tell Ibiki I could continue without him. But he had other ideas and had continued walking inside, only motioning for me to follow without giving me any explanations.

And when we had reached my house, I had come to truly appreciate him coming with me.

If he hadn't, I don't think I would have survived my mother's wrath.

She had yelled. And cursed. And made to grab my arm and wrench it out of its socket for staying out so late without even telling her where I was.

But, lucky for me, Ibiki had grabbed her searching hand and moved in between both of us to look down at my mother.

"I am sorry for having taken so much of Kiba's time, Tsume. I caught him by the T&I building yesterday and asked him to help me out with some things." He had told my mother in his no nonsense voice, all the while keeping his hand on hers. "By the time we had finished up, it was too late for Kiba to come back home and he was too tired to do so. I allowed him to rest a little in my apartment before coming back."

Ibiki Morino had lied through his teeth for me.

My mother had never been prouder of her little pup. The Head of the Torture and Interrogation Force of Konoha had actually used an Inuzuka for work! Torture and Interrogation! Oh, Kiba was going to make it big!

After they shared a few more hushed words- most probably having to do with some jonin things a chunin should not be privy to- Ibiki nodded at my mom and turned to me.

"Thank you very much for your help, Kiba. If ever I need your help again, I shall seek you out." He nodded once in my direction, then smirked, "The Force would not mind having you around." Then he walked back from the direction we had come from and left me with a beaming Tsume Inuzuka.

I don't think I had ever seen my mom as happy as she had been that early morning.

After all, Inuzukas weren't the chosen clan when it came to information gathering. And Ibiki Morino had the reputation around the village to be the best of the best. If I was truly being taken under Ibiki's wing, then there was no doubt in her mind that I would make a true Shinobi of myself.

I don't think I had ever felt as despicable as I had that morning.

My mother was proud of me. And the only reason why I had even wound up on Ibiki's radar was because I had drunk myself into a stupor.

Once she had gotten over being a proud parent, my mother forced me into bed and made me go to sleep because I looked like I was nearing unconsciousness, and I had allowed her to without any protest.

In all honesty, I hadn't expected Ibiki to go through with his word of seeking me out later on. I had just thought he'd allow me to go free because that night would have been a one time thing that would never be repeated.

Sometimes, I _really_ hated being wrong.


	3. Chapter 3

Sometimes I wonder why we're born. I'm not too big on religion, but I'm also not the kind that is content with being placed on this earth just to live then die. There's something deep inside of me that tells me I'm here for _something_... But I'm just not sure what. And I have yet to receive any real answers from any of the big beliefs floating around.

I guess I didn't always feel this way. At one point, I believed that I was here to become the next Hokage and bring even more prosperity to the village. Then I had been content to just be in love. Age twelve and in love... We had no idea what we were doing. But we were content to just be around one another. We were content to be innocent and naive and believe that things would fall in place for us eventually.

... _I_ had been content to believe that. _He_ had never been the kind to throw caution to the wind. He most probably had never been content with what I believed in, but he'd accepted it because he wanted me around. And I had been content in believing he would think the same thing because I was an innocent little shit.

I liked to believe he still loves me.

Sometimes I still wake up in the middle of the night, seeking his warm embrace. Only to face the cruel reality of his side of the bed being vacant, cold, and a glaring reminder of the different paths we had chosen.

But, like the little fool I was years ago, I still liked to believe there was some hope.

I know I'm an idiot.

No matter how much pain it brings me, though, I still hold on to the hope that he will return to me once he has returned to his right mind. He loves me. There's no doubt about it.

Back when Sasuke hadn't been completely overtaken by the idea of avenging his butchered clan, he had been an amazing soul. That was the very soul I had fallen in love with back when I was barely a genin.

Once I had fallen in love with Sasuke Uchiha. And I would be lying if I tried to say that I didn't love him anymore.

I still loved him as much as I had four years ago when he had made me blush like one of his little fan girl's. I still loved him with all that intensity, even though he had allowed me to almost die against Sakon and Ukon those four years ago. I still loved him even though he had abandoned me when he had abandoned the village. I still loved him even though he had allowed me to go three whole years without hearing any word of him until he decided he needed me there as a fuck toy.

That's how he had returned, you know.

Somehow he managed to hunt me down on one C-Ranked mission I went on a year ago to a mission in the Land of Tea. While I was unwinding in one of the hot springs, Sasuke had appeared in front of me like something straight out of my most passionate dreams and had grabbed me before I could run away.

Back then, I had had half a mind to run away and never come back to him. Just bite the arm that was wrapped around my chest and run as fast I could to never have to see his face again.

Then he had wrapped his other arm around my waist and whispered, "Hey, pup... Missed you." In my ear and I had become putty in his hands.

Back when I had been twelve years old, I had allowed the Uchiha charm to get to me and I had gotten my first boyfriend. Then he had abandoned me and broken my heart in the worst way possible that had left me unable to move on. Then, at fifteen he forced himself back into my life with eager touches, false promises, and breath taking kisses that left me panting and wanting more.

He had taken my virginity without so much as a struggle. I just lay there, mewling like a common whore as he took me. The worst part was that I enjoyed it so much that I allowed him to fuck me two times that night, then once more the morning after.

Then, once he had gotten what he was after, Sasuke had leaned against my ear, breathed out, "You're mine, Kiba. Don't ever forget that." then had kissed me brutally with passion before allowing me to fall back on the bed. After that, he had stood up from the bed, picked up all his clothes, and smirked at me. "I'll seek you out."

He had left me alone after that. Without an 'I love you' or a 'See you later, Kiba'. Just with a promise of being his possession and finding me once more.

I had no idea if I should have felt elated about seeing the boy I had loved so many years ago once more or devastated about allowing myself to be used in such a manner by a boy that had caused me more harm than good by then.

It was after a few more times of Sasuke appearing out of nowhere during one of my missions that I finally realized just what it was that I was doing.

Hinata, Shino, and I had been sent to the Hidden Mist Village to track down and bring back an escaped prisoner and we had done a pretty good job of it. The night Sasuke appeared to me, we had the prisoner tied up and gagged on one side of the camp, knocked out completely, and Hinata and Shino were sleeping peacefully in their own tents. Akamaru was snoring softly beside me by the campfire but I had not been able to sleep.

So I had decided to take a small walk out through the lush foliage around me to try and clear my head.

If it hadn't been for my keen sense of smell, I wouldn't have known Sasuke was there until he had me pinned against a tree under him. When he moved to grab me and do just that, I had side stepped with a smirk and turned to him.

"Someone's eager."

The comment had made him smirk and he then chuckled coolly, all the while he kept a cool gaze on.

"It's been a while." He had stated simply, as if it were enough of an explanation.

I shook my head at that, "Oh, come on, Sasuke. Don't you want to take me on a real date before fucking me senseless?"

He had quirked an eyebrow at me, but his amused smirk still stayed in place, "Is my fucking you senseless not enough for you anymore?"

It had been that question. That one, joking, innocent question had fucked it all up for me.

How? Because it made me begin to reflect.

Of course, the reflection hadn't happened immediately. He fucked me on the forest floor with as much passion as all the times before and I had loved it completely. I didn't give a single protest when he grabbed me, much less when he began to make me feel as if I were a mile high.

It had been during the morning when I woke up half dressed with a very clear lack of Sasuke around me that I allowed last night's question to fully enter my mind. 'Is my fucking you senseless not enough for you anymore?' It was very eloquently put, wasn't it? Eh, Sasuke was a very blunt individual and that was one of the things I truly loved about him.

But as I pulled my shirt on and looked around to make sure no one had seen anything, I began to wonder if there was a sliver of truth to find in that question. As I trekked back to the campsite, I began to wonder just why I was giving it so much thought. And it had been on the walk back to Konoha with the prisoner that I noticed why the question bugged me so much.

I could never go out on a date with Sasuke. Not if I didn't want to be branded as a traitor. And as long as he stayed on his ridiculous path of destroying his brother, Sasuke would never be able to do more with me than just give me a quick fuck.

Maybe this had also been the time when I began to truly feel the effect of my dark thoughts... Who knew?

All I knew for certain was that from that observation came the cold hard fact that if I was ever seen with Sasuke, I would be branded a traitor. And from the way I continued to meet up in secret with him, never giving him away, I could be thrown into jail for conspiring and keeping a very dangerous missing nin from returning to the village.

It was then, after I noticed everything I was doing and how wrong it was... _That's_ when I had begun to question my existence. Because, seriously, why if there was such an omnipotent being up in the sky that loved us all... Why did he make me love a traitor? Why did he allow me to unknowingly become a traitor myself?

Sasuke made me question everything. And I hated loving him.


	4. Chapter 4

Soon after the fateful, drunken meet up with Ibiki, I had found myself not minding my friends always being gone. Ibiki was always in the village, after all, because of his job. And whenever my thoughts became too much for me to handle, I traveled through Konoha as quietly and discreetly as I could to wind up in his apartment's window, knocking softly until he opened up for me.

Tonight was one of those nights.

As I tapped softly on the window farthest from Ibiki's room, I found myself secretly hoping that Ibiki was still at the T&I building. If he was still there, then I would have an excuse to keep all of my pain bottled up.

Although... Last time I had done that, I _may_ have been so distracted on a mission that I had almost lost my head. And that was a big may. I hadn't really almost lost my head. The swinging ax had been just a bit more than an inch away from my neck.

But when Ibiki had heard about that small 'mishap'- because, really, it wasn't- he'd quite literally tried to slap sense into me. After slapping me harshly upside the head, he'd then made me promise to go to him the second the thoughts began to hurt because he didn't want to have my death on his head. So... Admittedly... After having been terrified of ever having Ibiki angry at me, I had begun to visit him like he wanted me to: Whenever it became too much.

Sasuke had been running through my mind the whole day. It had been because of some little kid I had seen running around the academy with black hair that kind of resembled his own raven locks. And since that morning my thoughts had devolved to what they were now... And they insisted that no matter how much I wished, Sasuke was never coming back because I was worthless and didn't even deserve for him to actually look at me.

The darkness inside the apartment before me made me hope that Ibiki would not come. If Ibiki didn't show up, then I would have that as an excuse to drink myself into a stupor. And that, really, was all that I wanted right now.

But then the darkness was broken by the lights turning on and I heard the soft padding of someone walking as the man inside the room made his way towards the window.

Soon enough Ibiki stood right in front of me with a bandanna on his head and pajama pants on his body, eyes tired but alert. He didn't say anything as he lifted the window, then stepped to the side to allow me entrance into his most humble abode.

"Hey, Ibiki." I strained to smile softly, turning to him once I stood on firm ground. "What's up?"

His dark eyes looked me over and I knew exactly what he was taking into account. My clothes were ruffled and wrinkled, they were the same I had worn since last night. I didn't have my headband on, I had left it on the dresser in my room because I wasn't _worthy of wearing it_. Both Akamaru and my favorite jacket were not with me as I was used to having around. And I knew that I stood tensely, my body was coiled and prepared to bolt the second shit hit the fan.

Once he had undoubtedly noticed all of this, Ibiki breathed out softly, closed the window behind me, and motioned for me to follow him into his kitchen.

For a moment, I hesitated. The window was rather close to me. And I could probably open it and fit through it before he could... Oh, who was I kidding? This is Ibiki Morino I'm talking about. The bastard would have caught me the second I moved in the direction opposite him.

With a sigh, I followed after the scarred man and just watched him as he went through the motions of making coffee.

He didn't have much love for the stuff. He just wasn't a big coffee drinker. But he kept it and milk in his place for me. He had done so ever since he had found out that, instead of helping me wake up, it helped me calm down and focus.

Once the coffee was being made and its amazing aroma began to waft around the kitchen, Ibiki turned around with his arms crossed over his chest. His broad form leaned back against the counter behind him, dark eyes closed for a moment as he thought about what he was to say.

"Silence?"

His voice was rough, most probably from having been forced to wake up. But... It was kind of scary how well he already knew me. Without me having to tell him _anything_ , the large man already knew just why I was there. Why I had gone through the trouble of coming to his home and waking him up in the middle of the night.

Softly, I answered, "Mom's out on a mission and Hana took Akamaru to the vet along with the three Haimaru Brothers. Shino is off at the Aburame compound and Hinata's having some sister bonding time..."

I knew I didn't have to... But I still felt as if I owed him some kind of explanation. I knew that he didn't need it. And he knew that I knew it. But... I guess it was a comfort to explain things still. To believe he didn't completely know me.

At the beginning of this whole... _thing_ , Ibiki had asked me as to why I didn't speak to my friends or family about my doubts and fears. I had never truly answered him, but instead shut down whenever he tried to get anything out of me. And, after a while, he learned to just stop asking me about it. He didn't question it anymore. He just listened to me tell him whatever it was that ate me inside and helped me combat the silence by asking me a question, making a small observation, saying anything really, just to keep the silence away.

After he stared at me for a second, he moved off to the side of the kitchen, where he kept a small radio unit that seemed to be as old as him, and flicked it on.

It could only really pick up two stations, one for news and one that played what I lovingly called old people music, but, honestly, I didn't mind. The mindless chatter or soft melodies became something akin to a small buffer for the silence whenever our conversation lulled. It helped us to not lapse into complete silence.

The smooth melodies of some ballad began to play and I could see a small fond smile take over his face for a second.

"You're such an old person, Ibiki." I teased, only to have him point at me, right at my chest.

"Hey, now, you're the young person here. And you enjoy this as much as I do." But he smiled back at me and I was able to breathe out and relax softly.

I could always count on him to make me feel better with as little words as possible. He was a shining example of how actions truly spoke louder than words. He barely said much- at least when compared with how much I spoke- but he was always there for me, banishing the thoughts that tried to swallow me whole.

"Did you know that apparently Anko caught sight of you sneaking in here a couple days ago?"

The coffee pot was being filled by the dark liquid, the delicious aroma becoming stronger as it did so. Ibiki's face remained devoid of any emotion, although his question was uttered with complete ease, almost conversationally. I quirked an eyebrow at him and the odd question, a bit of curiosity beginning to rise at the idea of the crazed woman knowing about me.

"Really?" As I looked at him, I couldn't help but begin to worry.

I always made sure to be as discreet as possible whenever I went to Ibiki's apartment. Not only because I was worried for my own safety- because,really, with the kind of rumor mill shinobi were capable of, all kinds of things could be said about Ibiki and I in less than an hour- but also because I didn't want Ibiki to have to worry for his own safety. Having a chunin sneak into your home during the middle of night may not be seen completely right by the higher ups.

... Anko Mitarashi was a tokubetsu jonin and a damn good one at that. If I had been careless- which wouldn't surprise me because I _always_ got careless when I got comfortable- it wouldn't surprise me that she may have seen me at some point. But it did give me a reason to begin to worry.

"Yeah." His calmness kind of irked me, but if he was so relaxed, then maybe I had no real reason to worry about Anko. "She questioned me as to why I have a teenager visiting me in the middle of the night and even told me to be careful about who I bring to my bed."

As he said this, he began to pour some of the contents of the pot of coffee into a mug.

Ibiki's infinite restraint and composure always amazed me.

The last bit of his sentence surprised me, "Wait... _Me_? In _your_ bed?"

"Mm hmm." He merely nodded as he poured some milk into the mug, then moved to place it in the microwave to begin to heat it up. "Surprised me as much as it does you." He shrugged his shoulders, then input a minute into the machine. "But I set her straight and told her that whatever happens between you and I is our own matters. There's no need for her to worry." Then he turned back to me with a soft smile, "She _is_ a good friend of mine, Kiba. She is only looking after my well being.

I could tell from his kind words that he didn't want me to freak out. And because of him so calmed about the whole thing, I found myself not beginning to feel even the least bit worried about it. Ibiki had already grabbed control of the situation. There was no reason to worry any further.

Still... The thought of laying in the same bed as Ibiki was... Well, I had done so before. Not just in the way Anko believed it was happening. On more than one occassion, I had begged him to sleep in the same bed as me so I wouldn't have to wake up in an empty room. And he allowed me to hug him as if he were a giant teddy bear during those nights. But nothing other than comfort came from those meetings... _Especially_ not anything non-platonic.

"Really?" I blinked in a slight stupor, "I... Uh... Well..." I was at a loss for words at the sexual insinuation of Anko's words. "Huh." I managed to finish rather eloquently, which made the scarred man just smile at me and shake his head.

"You should have been a poet, Inuzuka." He teasted, then turned around when the microwave beeped.

We both stopped talking then, for there wasn't much more to say. But the soft music flowing from the radio was enough to distract me as I watched Ibiki prepare my coffee.

Four spoonfuls of white sugar, a bit more coffee than milk even though I liked it sweet, and just a dash of honey. The way this guy knew me would be terrifying to most. But it was comforting to me to know that someone _cared_. As he stirred the drink, I noticed that he was using the mug I had gifted him a month or so back. It was rather big and red on the inside, although black on the outside. And, in white, written in an almost childlike font, were the words #1 Interrogator.

That mug hadn't been all that pricey. But when I saw it on that mission with Hinata and Shino, it had taken me quite a bit of stealth and intelligence to be able to buy it and get it back to Konoha without them thinking anything was up.

Besides... It was the least I could do after Ibiki had done so much for me.

"We should just count ourselves lucky it was someone that respects me enough to confront me about it rather than run around the village spreading gossip." He continued as he handed me the mug, then crossed his arms over his broad chest once more. "She promised to not ask anything about it again. But don't be surprised if she suddenly jumps you to try and question you about it." At this he shook his head softly, closing his eyes, "Anko is... Quite the character..."

I took the mug with a soft smile of gratitude, then took a sip of the drink and sighed softly. This man made _the best coffee_. Which was weird, considering how he didn't even like the stuff. He said it just didn't do anything for his palate.

For a second, I just enjoyed the coffee. But as I did so, I wondered if Anko would really go to great lengths to question me. It's not like I meant much... Right?

"She wouldn't hunt me down for something so silly, would she?" I asked, looking up at him from the mug as I took yet another gulp. "I know she's kind of crazy from what you've told me... But... She wouldn't really bother a chunin, would she?"

From the way his lips twisted, he let me know that she was, in fact, completely capable of hunting me down. "This is Anko we're talking about, Kiba. The only woman I know of in this world that would stand up to a drunken Lady Tsunade just to take the sake away from her." He explained, then groaned softly, "Then again, she only wanted to drink it..." He shrugged this last bit and I couldn't help but smile at him.

The fact that he was so composed about the whole situation let me know there was no real situation to begin with. He had already dealt with Anko. There was no reason for me to get riled up about anything.

"I'll keep an eye out, then." I assured him, then breathed out at the calming influences that were the coffee and the told timer's music.

I was so assured and calmed by just being here that I almost completely forgot about what had even driven me into Ibiki's apartment in the first place.

Again we fell into an easy lull that was kept from being total silence by the music drifting from the radio.

This kind of silence I could deal with. Being with Ibiki and his music was just so... _Different_. I didn't have to fake around him. I didn't have to try and smile and be my fake self. The dark thoughts and hurtful words couldn't break through my calm. Not in moments like these.

Just how did Ibiki get so good at doing this?

With this thought, I looked at him once more and noted he was shirtless. But I wasn't taken aback by this. I had been around the man for so long in such an intimate type of relationship that I had built up a resistance and understanding to his scars and body.

He stood quietly in front of me, the lights in the apartment dim enough to not accentuate every single scar on his body. I knew he was just waiting for me to finish drinking. Or maybe he was waiting for me to continue speaking. Whichever came first, really... He wouldn't mind. The man was just too good to be true sometimes.

Now that I found myself thinking of his body, I remembered just how it had come that I even found out about them.

The first time I had seen him without a shirt, he had dashed me out of the apartment with threats of bodily harm. It had been about two weeks after our first meeting and I had been dumb enough to sneak into his apartment without permission because I hadn't wanted to wake him up.

You see, all of the other times I had met him before, he had been awake and had invited me into his apartment after he had found me wandering around Konoha. That had been the way all of our meetings had gone before all of this. I would drink, get myself lost in my mind, and he'd swoop in like a silent watcher that never gave me much shit about my life choices.

He had shouted harshly and threatened horribly. It had been kind of scary, really.

But it was because of his reaction that I always knocked at the window to ask for him to let me in. I had learned to never sneak in. And after he had slapped sense into me, I had learned to _not_ hope he would find me on the streets.

I'd learned a lot about Ibiki rather quickly.

He'd once even noted this and asked me about it. It had been a kind of interesting conversation, to tell you the truth. He had bluntly asked me why I behaved like such an idiot when I could clearly understand more than I let on. He'd even grabbed me by the shoulder to keep me from fleeing, so he would get an answer.

Fortunately for me, Akamaru had just happened to be with me that day. And he hadn't taken too well to me getting man handled by the tokubetsu jonin.

He and Akamaru _still_ didn't get on.

But, back to the first time I saw Ibiki's body...

It was horribly scarred. If anybody other than a Shinobi were to have seen it, I would not be surprised if they would break into tears. I could never understand why, to tell the truth. I knew that Ibiki had not had a real love interest ever in his life and I genuinely attributed it to those scars. Even though, in my eyes, they weren't ugly. To other, less damaged people, they were horrifying and spoke of so much pain and anger that I guessed they thought Ibiki was just a living embodiment of said pain. Even though he had forced to feel it... They thought he was _it_.

It had taken me a good two weeks to even muster up the courage to go back to him and apologize for having been rude and so ill-mannered as to sneak into his home.

When I had finally gathered that courage, I had fully expected to have Ibiki disregard me like everyone else in my life.

Imagine my surprise when he had apologized before I could even get a word in and asked for me to not be insulted because of being thrown out by him. Then he had gone on to tell me that I could always go to him whenever I was overwhelmed, just as long as I made my presence known.

He never completely explained why it was that he had reacted the way he had... But he didn't have too. I understood.

Though, as time had gone by and we continued to meet up and to talk and for him to dash away the silence, he had grown comfortable with me. Then, the first time he had willingly allowed me to see his scars... Well, it happened to have been the first time I shyly asked him to sleep with me too.

_Less than five months ago:_

"Uh... M-Mr. Morino?"

"What, Inuzuka?"

Ibiki's voice was rough and laced with sleep, and I began to shuffle my feet shyly, an annoying blush creeping onto my cheeks as I kept my gaze on the floor.

Normally, when I stayed over at Ibiki's place, I slept in the spare bedroom he kept for Anko on the nights she decided to get piss ass drunk. The bed was actually very comfortable and sheets were unbelievably soft.

But... Tonight... I just couldn't sleep, no matter what I tried.

And I knew that it was because I needed someone to sleep beside me.

I knew Ibiki was no Sasuke... _No one_ could ever be like Sasuke...

But... I still hoped he would allow me me this small bit of comfort.

After a second or so of not answering, I heard the ruffling of covers. And when I looked up, I saw Ibiki sitting up in his bed, only a sliver of light shining in from his window allowing me to see part of his face. The rest of his body was drowned out by the darkness.

"What's wrong, Kiba?" Now his voice was softer, less sleep laden and more alert.

I rubbed my hand against my arm and looked away from him, not daring to look him in the eyes.

I had a gift. An annoying and horrible one. A gift that meant I did embarrassing things while around people I trusted because of that very reason. I trusted them. It was rather annoying when I kept screwing up around Sasuke _all the time._

"Could I... I mean... You know that I'm always... Uh..."

It was kind of shameful, really, how I couldn't even formulate a proper sentence. And the fact that I was stuttering and blushing certainly did not help any matters.

After I failed to ask him anything, there was a beat of silence in which I kicked myself for being an idiot... Then I heard Ibiki sigh heavily.

"Want the left side?" He asked, and a large smile found its way onto my face.

Immediately I nodded and saw him shake his head, although I could also tell there was a slight upturn to the corner of his lips. "Come on, then, kid." He motioned for me to walk towards him, all the while he lifted the covers on the left side of the bed.

After this, I didn't need any further prompting. I jumped into the bed and relished in the warmth of another body beside me once more,

It had been more than a month since I had last been with Sasuke... And it was starting to get to me. I hated waking up in the middle of the night seeking the warmth of another companion and I hated depending on him, but I was just the type of person that _loved_ my lover. Luckily for me, even though Ibiki wasn't the kind to show much touching comforts, he understood my own needs and was able to read me perfectly.

My night, wrapped up beside Ibiki with complete comfort, was spent peacefully. It was awesome. Even though we hadn't known each other for so long... It was nice to finally have someone understand me and like me for me.

When I awoke the next morning at four, I did so before Ibiki. And when I turned to look at him and thank him for allowing me to sleep in his bed, I stopped myself when I noticed he had slept without a shirt. My eyes went over every single visible scar on his upper body... And I found myself wondering just what kind of monster would cause such a kind soul so much pain.

Ibiki was amazing... He didn't deserve to have hurt so much.

The scars ranged from gnarly to nasty to almost faded. But they all stood out on his body.

As I thought about them, I noticed just how much our relationship had evolved from our first meeting. And I noticed just what a huge leap Ibiki had made last night by not putting on a shirt.

It brought a small smile to my face as I thought of this... He trusted me. He _actually_ trusted me!

With that smile on my face, I stood up from the bed and headed over to the kitchen. Ibiki deserved a great breakfast as a thank you gesture. Me telling him just wouldn't have been enough.

When he walked out of the room a few minutes later, I bid him a good morning, and noticed he had yet to pull a shirt on.

I didn't question it and instead went about preparing breakfast. Ibiki passed behind me in the kitchen and turned on the radio, effectively cutting out any silence that might fall between us. Then, once I had finished preparing the food, we ate with little words exchanged between us, all the while Ibiki's old timer music played in the background softly.

It was interesting to be in such a complacent silence... It was weird, new... But... I didn't mind it. For some reason, it just felt _right_ when with Ibiki.

After we had eaten, we both showered, dressed, and left the apartment.

The one good thing about Ibiki's apartment was that it was a complex where most inhabitants were regular jonin. Which meant most were always gone on missions or sleeping soundly at this hour. He seemed to be the only one that ever awoke this early in the morning to begin his day, actually.

"Bye, Mr. Morino." I waved goodbye at him with a smile, then jumped away to return to my house before my mother woke up.

I had wound up in his apartment because I hadn't wanted to be alone at all. But if my mom were to wake up without me in the house, she would get pissed and ground me. And I _really_ didn't want to get punished.

I was a few steps away when I heard a chuckle that caused me to stop. And when I turned around, I found Ibiki with his back turned to me and his hands in his pockets.

"Kid, you can call me Ibiki by now."

I could hear the smirk in his voice, although he never turned to face me. After he had spoken up, he walked away in the direction of the T&I building, not allowing me to retort at all.

Once he was far enough away to not hear me, I couldn't help but smile and answered, although I knew he couldn't hear me. "Alright then."

Then I ran off in the direction of my home, a warm glow in the pit of my stomach.

It was nice to have Ibiki around.

He may have forced his way into my life, but... Maybe he wasn't all that bad...

After that day, he barely wore a night shirt anymore. He paraded around without a shirt on, but I never commented on it. It was one of those things that could be left unsaid, after all. We both understood each other well enough to know that, sometimes, there was no need to talk issues out. Because they, most probably, weren't issues that _needed_ to be talked about.


	5. Chapter 5

"Hey, Ibiki... What did you think of Sasuke?"

Quite frankly, the question came out of nowhere, even to me. Ibiki had just finished explaining to me how Anko had managed to rope Iruka Sensei into some kind of prank that had ended up pissing off the Hokage, which had made the interrogator have to go down and fix the problem the two- supposedly responsible- adults had gotten themselves into.

We had laughed at their expense but, for some reason, I found myself thinking about Sasuke again.

I had never told him about my relationship with the supposed last Uchiha.

Even though Ibiki had been around for almost six months helping me deal with my problems, I had yet to tell him what was my biggest problem. I hadn't done so purely out of lack of trust, I don't think there was anyone in this village other than Akamaru that I would ever trust as much as I did Ibiki Morino. It was more out of the fear of having him hate me once he found out that I was indirectly a traitor to the village by continuing a relationship with Sasuke Uchiha.

"Sasuke?" He repeated the name with less grace than I was used to from him, which was most probably attributed to not having used it in a while and being surprised by my sudden question.

I nodded at him, looking down at the mug in my hands. I had drained most of its contents and was left with about a quarter of coffee at this point. And it had helped calm me down to such a point that I felt like I could finally tell Ibiki one of the biggest secrets I held.

It had been eating up at me for quite some time... Ever since Ibiki had decided he would be my confidant, actually. Even though he wasn't the most open person and I didn't always tell him everything that was wrong, I felt that I at least owed him a real explanation as to where all of my irrational fears came from. And every single one of them took root from my relationship with Sasuke.

"Sasuke Uchiha." He stated as he looked away from me and at another spot in the kitchen. "If I remember correctly, he was supposed to be the rookie of the year or something for your age class, right?" He asked in a wistful voice he used when remembering the past, "He was a rather intense kid. I always pegged him for the kind that'd be able to work with ANBU or my own branch perfectly." Then he looked at me once more, one eyebrow quirked. "Why do you ask, Inuzuka?"

Right then, under Ibiki's stare, I felt like a five year old caught with his hand in the cookie jar. Which, honestly, made no sense because I had never given him a reason to doubt me... Had I? I don't remember. I hoped not.

"Oh... I've just been thinking a lot about the past." I shrugged.

This wasn't a complete lie. I had always been a big believer in the whole 'what they don't know won't hurt them' and 'it's not lying, it's just omitting the truth'.

"Really?" He questioned, and I could tell from his eyes that he was amused. "Could that be one of the reasons why your visits have become more and more frequent? Because of remembering the past?"

If there was one thing about Ibiki Morino that could never be denied, it was that this guy let nothing slip by him.

I frowned at him softly, then told him, "Maybe I'm just attracted to your magnetic personality, Ibiki."

This answer got him to chuckle at me, but he soon sobered up and looked at me with a serious frown, "No, seriously, kid, you _have_ been popping up here more often. And seeing how you've decided to come here with such frequency, Anko was able to see you when you were sneaking in." He pointed out, then continued, "I don't mind you coming here, especially because it means you don't drink yourself into a stupor... But it's starting to worry me."

If it had been anyone else that brought my growing visits up, I would have snarled and growled that they didn't know me. But this was Ibiki. And Ibiki knew me better than most of my other friends. So instead of growing angry, I allowed a bit of annoyance with myself to set in.

Because I _should_ have noticed when my visits become more frequent. I should have had it in mind that whenever I visited Ibiki, I was under the threat of being caught. And I shouldn't have been foolish enough to believe that he wouldn't catch on while being so intelligent.

I had been a fool.

"Hey now, don't slip into those thoughts."

My eyes snapped up from the cooling coffee to Ibiki to find that he had a soft frown on his face.

"What do you mean?" I asked numbly, feeling cold begin to creep up in my body and envelop me.

With a sigh, Ibiki shook his head and motioned to my face. "After knowing you for months now, I've finally been able to pinpoint the exact face you get whenever your thoughts start turning sour. And you have it on right now."

"... Really?"

"Yup." Ibiki nodded as he crossed his arms over his broad chest, then looked at me with softness in his eyes, "Don't allow those things to creep up on you, kid. You know they serve no purpose other than to torment you."

His heartfelt words made me smile slightly. Then, as if to distract myself, I raised the coffee mug up to my lips and drained what was left, all the while closing my eyes to not have to look directly at him.

I don't know why I was surprised. This was the head of the T&I department, after all. This guy's job revolved around reading and taking note of the smallest changes in his victims moods and faces. It would have been foolish to think that he would not eventually catch up to every little quirk I unknowingly used while around him. Especially not when I insisted on being around him so often.

"... It's just..." I breathed out heavily at that moment, setting the mug down while placing both my arms on the counter before me.

Why shouldn't I tell him the truth? Ibiki already knew me better than most... Why couldn't I tell him what had truly struck me so hard? Why couldn't I tell him the reason why I found myself so sad and lonely so often?

"It's real hard, Ibiki." Fell from my lips heavily.

Suddenly, I felt extremely tired. Heavy, even. And I didn't know exactly what was going to leave my lips anymore, but I didn't care all that much either. I could trust Ibiki, right? He wouldn't ever try and hurt me... Right? He was a person I could _trust._

"I try _so hard_ to not let those thoughts get to me... But... You know how hard it is to try and fight yourself, right? And you know how truly futile it is in the end to try and keep yourself from thinking what you think? I mean, you think it for a reason... Right? If not... Then why do I think these things... Ibiki, am I normal?"

His face was composed, but I could see hints of a frown forming and I knew then that he was listening to every single word I said. If he didn't care, he would have opted to use a face devoid of any emotions. But he was showing me with that small downturn to the corner of his lips that he was listening and he cared. It was a small action that could have gone unnoticed by many. But after using him as my only lifeline for so long, I would have to be a fool to not know the nuances that made up the person Ibiki seemed to be while around me.

"I mean, I _can't_ be normal, not with my self destructive tendencies!" I found myself gasping out, then raised my hands to my head to grip at my hair. Tears began to sting at my eyes, but none fell. "Why can't I be normal, Ibiki? Why must I-"

"I'm going to stop you right there, kid." Ibiki's hand clamped over my mouth and actually managed to make me gasp in shock, all the while I looked at him with wide eyes.

Even with how close we had gotten in the past few months, he had never instigated the touching. And whenever I did, it was always a small hug goodbye or, of course, me hanging onto him on the bed while we slept. And he'd smacked me only a handful of times, and this had been only when I was being a real idiot. But he had never flat out touched me in this manner. And he'd certainly never started the touching like how he did now.

"These thoughts of yours aren't getting any better. And the only real explanation I have for the lack of progress is that you have yet to admit to the most important and destructive factor in your life." He told me in a matter of fact tone, dark eyes boring into my own with determination. "And while I do enjoy your late night visits, there's only so much an old man like myself can take before he decides to take matters into his own hands."

The threat in his voice was clear, even though his demeanor spoke of only kindness.

"So you have two options, Kiba: Either tell me today or I figure it all out eventually." He smiled softly after that, kindly, and finished, "I do this because I care."

After he had finished talking, he took his hand off of my mouth, but I could only stare at him in shock. Ibiki had just threatened me... And nicely too! I wasn't sure if I should feel insulted, hurt, or amazed.

"But..."

"Here, I'll help start you off." His smile turned wicked then, before his face dropped into a composed one that lacked any emotion. "It has to do with your past, presumably after you became a genin, and you've been harboring a harsh secret for, _at least_ , a year. Why do I think a year?" He voiced the question I had thought up, only to smirk, "Because that's when your friends and family started noticing your changes."

What? Friends and family?

But instead of letting me ask anything, Ibiki leaned down so his face was before my own and his eyes narrowed slightly. "Yeah, family and friends. The type of job I have asks for me to always be alert, Kiba."

I flinched involuntarily at his hidden insinuation, knowing very well that he was telling me that, even though I didn't want to believe it, others around me had noticed my change.

But that couldn't be. My mom and sister didn't treat me any differently, didn't try and talk to me about anything serious. They just acted the same way they always had around me, as if there wasn't anything wrong. And Hinata and Shino had never been the kind to talk about anything. I was always the one to force them into talking before I had just given up and stopped trying... But they hadn't started treating me differently at all either.

What was Ibiki talking about? _Nobody_ had noticed me change.

"And, as hard as it may be for you to believe, I am more than aware of how just how noticeable your recent changes have been."

I swear, if my eyes went any wider, they'd pop out of my sockets. And if I didn't concentrate on my hands, they would have broken the mug held in them quite a few minutes ago.

My joints ached and creaked out in pain, trying to get me to loosen my grip on the mug, but I couldn't. All I could do was stare at Ibiki in complete shock and try to keep my body from clenching even tighter.

"I-Ibiki..." I gasped out, but my mouth shut close immediately after I had spoken.

Why did I always sound so broken?

The bald man sighed softly and he closed his eyes, then he brought his hands up to my own and forcefully unclasped them. "You're a danger to yourself." He muttered softly, gripping both my hands in his own gloved ones. "But I know you well enough... You don't have to talk about it until you're sure you won't break down."

When his dark eyes opened, they had lost their demanding edge and the corners of his lips turned up ever so slightly.

"Now, why don't we get you to bed?"

"But, Ibiki," I immediately began to protest, my mind catching up with everything that had been said and what he had meant, "I really need to tell you this! But... I'm afraid... I don't think I'd be able to deal with y-"

"Kiba, do yourself a favor and shut up." He interrupted with no real edge.

Then he began to move around the corner and clapped his hand on my shoulder, all the while I could only stare at him in utter shock.

Ibiki Morino was unlike any other person I had ever met before in my life. Especially when I compared him to those that knew me. He knew exactly what to push and when... Yet he stopped himself when he was so close to his goal.

"Why?" I asked without really thinking about what I was saying, then looked him directly in the eyes, "Ibiki, I can tell you... Why won't you let me? I could tell you right now!"

For a moment, nothing happened. I stared up at him with wide eyes as he looked down at me with soft ones. Then he sighed heavily, shook his head regretfully, and moved behind me.

"Because it's not the right time, Inuzuka." He explained in a grunt as he pushed me up from my seat, making my feet stumble slightly at suddenly standing. "Because while I enjoy knowing the truth, I don't enjoy hurting those that matter to me. And, unfortunately enough, you found a way to matter."

Then he pushed me all the way into his room, not even bothering with trying to get me into the guest room. For a second, my mind struggled to process just what was happening. Then his actions hit me and I began to feel tears brewing.

He was taking me into his own room because he knew I wouldn't be able to sleep well. Rather than throw me into the guest room to face the darkness and silence by myself after stirring up so much despair in me, he was going to actually try and comfort me.

What good had I ever done to deserve such a good friend?

"P-please, Ibi-" I tried to at least thank him for being there for me when no one else was, but he interrupted me once more.

"Nope. Sleep. We'll discuss this when you're really, _truly_ ready, Kiba." He clapped me on both shoulders twice, then pushed me onto his too big bed and pointed at me with one gloved finger. "I mean it, kid. Sleep."

I felt like some stupid kid. Did I really need someone to babysit me so I could have good night's rest? Was I really this weak?

"And stop thinking so damned much."

The growl surprised me slightly and I looked up to find Ibiki glaring down at me with his muscular arms crossed. The left side of his mouth was baring some of his teeth and I immediately knew I was going to get scolded yet again.

Turning my head down to try and prepare myself to be berated, I couldn't help but wish that he'd just kick me out for one night. I mean, it's not like I really deserved to be treated so nicely... I shouldn't, not with how I had betrayed the village on so many occasions. Not with how I continued to betray every single person I had ever fought for because of some silly infatuation.

"Now come on, you idiot, and get some sleep." His hands were strong and insistent as he pushed my shoulders down, trying to get me to lie back on the bed.

And like a child, I allowed him to direct my body for me. Instead of allowing myself to think on everything he had said a few minutes ago and just how horrible him knowing so much could be for me, I decided to cower from my reality.

I did what I always did and hid from whatever bad thing I knew was just around the corner.

* * *

Do you have any idea how good drinking feels? I don't know if it's a mind trick or something, but knowingly downing something that makes you burn as it goes down your throat... Well... It's honestly an amazing feeling. Sure, some might say that drowning your sorrows in alcohol isn't productive or healthy, but I couldn't really find anything wrong with it.

I mean, it's not like it happened every single day. I only allowed myself to succumb when times got too difficult. Especially because I didn't have the money to feed a continuous habit. No matter how many bottles my mother happened to have in her stash, I knew that I couldn't drink every single day. She didn't catch on when one bottle disappeared every few months. But she would notice if suddenly there were no bottles left in my house. Which meant I had to make ends meet with my own money.

I had money to only feed by habit for a day, maybe two if I stretched it out, every week. If I bought the cheap stuff, I would have been able to drink every day and drown my sorrow in a cheaper manner. But what's the point in drinking the cheap stuff if it doesn't have the same effects? The cheap stuff was cheap for a reason. I would need more to get to the same level of oblivion I got from the good stuff.

If you drink the good stuff, then the burn will be that much greater and the effects a hell of a lot more purifying. The cheap stuff, though, just left a bad taste in my mouth and

I only ever drink when life gets too hard on me. I don't do the whole 'never sober, always happy' thing because it's just not who I am. Doing that in my line of work would be overly dangerous and just plain old stupid. But the 'drink til it doesn't hurt anymore every once in a while'... That's what I enjoyed. That's what helped me cope.

Maybe that's why Ibiki caught on to me so quickly. Maybe he was able to do so because when I decided to allow myself to succumb, I _succumbed_.

Hell, I'm sure even he was shocked with how far gone I was that night... Then again... If he saw me tonight, he'd be even more worried.

I had lost count of how many shot portioned swigs I had ingested from this bottle after a possible eight.

I was swaying now to the the gentle breeze around me and my eyes refused to focus on just one point specifically. My mouth opened every now and again and I found myself muttering some sad thought about being hated before I managed to snap my jaw shut. I had to be careful, after all. I couldn't allow Ibiki to see my like this. Not if I didn't want him to scold me as if I were just some lowly genin.

You know, I really didn't like the way he sometimes treated me. Like a _child_. As if he were only ever around to make sure I didn't end up hurting myself too much... It hurt... It truly hurt to think that he only ever stayed with me to protect me from myself.

Then again... That's how it had all started, right? With me begging him to help me and keep the silence away... I had asked him to not leave me because I was too much of a coward to face the dark thoughts myself. I had acted like just another kid.

Fuck... I'm too drunk to deal with these shitty thoughts.

But they always got to me... It was like clockwork. When I drank, I went through quite a few stages of drinking. But the last one I always hit before falling asleep was what I liked to call my 'sad drunk' stage... Which was pretty funny considering how much I needed to drink to ever get to this stage.

Although I always hit it, seeing how, when in these moods, I _always_ drank too much.

Whenever I got this drunk, I tended to ignore normal procedures for anything. Instead of being polite and waiting for my turn, I demanded shit be given to me. Instead of listening to what others might have had to say, I blatantly ignored them. Instead of putting my bottle down, I drank more.

It was a good thing I was now in the seedier parts of Konoha and not trying to get any drinks anywhere near where normal Shinobi picked their own up usually. I would have never even been allowed to try and get anything to drink if I had been foolish enough to actually try and drink something there.

Being in the seedier parts meant no self respecting Shinobi would reveal themselves to me... It meant no one I knew would interrupt me... It meant I was safe from Ibiki's ever prying eyes.

Ibiki had... Why did he care so much? I still couldn't understand it.

This was the _head of T &I_. One of the most feared- if not _the most feared-_ Shinobi in all of Konoha. Not only that, if all of the rumors about him were true, then this man could break a human being by simply just _speaking._

So if he was such a feared and terrifying man, why did he care about me? Why did he show me such comfort and caring? It didn't make any sense in my mind, especially considering how broken I truly was. If he truly was the man those rumors made him out to be, then he was too strong to ever care about a lowly chunin such as myself.

Why the _fuck_ did he act like he _cared_?

There were people looking at me. A couple of drunks were giggling wildly while pointing at me, their voices loud and their scent aroused. They most probably wanted a threesome of some kind. But even I wasn't far gone enough to agree to something like that.

The dark sky helped make me feel somewhat cooler. In the night, I didn't have to worry about my disguise cracking. The darkness covered it all up. It was during the day that I had to make sure that there were no cracks to be found in my façade. But now at three in the morning, there was no light to be found in the sky aside from the moon and the stars and no one I knew was near to judge me.

I just... I couldn't deal with this anymore.

Ibiki tried to act like he cared, but it made no sense. There was no reason for him to care. And if there was no reason, then it was very likely that he just _didn't._

With a heavy sigh, I closed my eyes, leaned my head against the dingy building behind me, and made to raise the bottle once more to my lips.

The cool night air bit at me once more because I had forgone my jacket once more. Winter was coming and the nights were getting colder, but I didn't give any shits. The whiskey helped fight it with the blazing trail it scorched as it went down my throat.

When the bottle didn't meet with my lips, I knew there was something wrong. And when a familiar scent overtook my senses, I knew I was fucked.

"Just what the hell do you think you're doing, Inuzuka?"

The voice... It didn't sound like Ibiki. It sounded younger. But... Well, my senses were fucked. I knew that this scent was one I knew, but I couldn't really tell just why. I just knew that I had smelled it before.

And no one but Ibiki would really be here during one of my drunken stupors. The man was a fucking expert when it came to hunting me down, it seemed.

"Shaddup, Biki." I managed to slur out with a glare in the direction of the darkened figure as I squinted my eyes at him.

He seemed shorter, lither.

"Fuck... Musta drunk m're'an thought..."

"Who the fuck is Biki?"

A hand shot up to grab me by the shoulder. But I managed to smack it away, although I stumbled forward and fell into Ibiki's chest because of it.

"You are... You fucking bastard..." I growled, frowning deeply as I allowed myself to relax while the man's hands wrapped around my arms to hold me up. "Well then... Fuck this shit... Take me to bed. Ya got me, Biki. Les go back 'ome."

He didn't say anything after that. And I wasn't surprised. Ibiki must have been stewing in a lot of anger because of what I had done. I knew it would have pissed him off. But I had also kind of hoped he wouldn't get to me.

I shouldn't have been surprised to find out I had been wrong to hope again.

As he began to move me, I noticed that there was something off about his smell. It wasn't as metal filled as it usually was. Which was pretty odd, considering how smells like that couldn't be washed off.

"You smell nicer now, 'Biki... Keep using this new body wash... Is better for you..."

It was odd. He didn't even ask if I wanted him to keep away the silence like he normally would have.


End file.
